12 PACKS
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the youngman
wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a
whileand she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's"the" night. We're
having
dinner with her parents, and then we'regoing out. And I've got a feeling I'm
gonna get lucky after that.Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so
you'd better giveme the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and
leaves. Laterthat evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and
herparents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. Hebegins
the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. Thegirl leans over and
says, "You never told me that you were such areligious person." He
leans
over to her and says, "You never told methat your father is a
pharmacist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another 3 guys in hell
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled
to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her
even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have
sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser
demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so
they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more
disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall,
monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the
Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the
rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked
off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the
third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure
of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this
beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice
of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned ........"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GIFT
A YOUNG MAN WANTED TO PURCHASE A GIFT
FOR HIS NEW SWEETHEART'S BIRTHDAY,
AND AS THEY HAD NOT BEEN DATING VERY LONG,
AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION,
HE DECIDED A PAIR OF GLOVES WOULD STRIKE
THE RIGHT NOTE: ROMANTIC, BUT NOT TOO
PERSONAL.
ACCOMPANIED BY HIS SWEETHEART'S YOUNGER SISTER,
HE WENT TO NORDSTROM AND BOUGHT
A PAIR OF WHITE GLOVES. THE SISTER PURCHASED
A PAIR OF PANTIES FOR HERSELF.
DURING THE WRAPPING, THE CLERK MIXED UP
THE ITEMS AND THE SISTER GOT THE GLOVES
AND THE SWEETHEART GOT THE PANTIES.
WITHOUT CHECKING THE CONTENTS,
THE YOUNG MAN SEALED THE PACKAGE AND SENT IT TO
HIS SWEETHEART WITH THE FOLLOWING NOTE:
"I CHOSE THESE BECAUSE I NOTICED YOU ARE NOT
IN THE HABIT OF WEARING ANY WHEN WE GO OUT
IN THE EVENING. IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR YOUR SISTER, I
WOULD HAVE CHOSEN THE LONG ONES WITH THE BUTTONS,
BUT SHE WEARS SHORT ONES THAT ARE EASIER TO REMOVE.
THESE ARE A DELICATE SHADE, BUT THE LADY
I BOUGHT THEM FROM SHOWED ME
THE PAIR SHE HAD BEEN WEARING FOR THE PAST
THREE WEEKS AND THEY WERE HARDLY SOILED.
I HAD HER TRY YOURS ON FOR ME AND SHE LOOKED
REALLY SMART. I WISH I WAS THERE TO PUT THEM ON FOR YOU
THE FIRST TIME, AS NO DOUBT OTHER HANDS
WILL COME IN CONTACT WITH THEM BEFORE
I HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF, REMEMBER TO
BLOW IN THEM BEFORE PUTTING THEM AWAY
AS THEY WILL NATURALLY BE A LITTLE DAMP
FROM WEARING. JUST THINK HOW MANY TIMES I WILL KISS
THEM DURING THE COMING YEAR.
I HOPE YOU WILL WEAR THEM FOR ME ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
ALL MY LOVE."
P.S. THE LATEST STYLE IS TO WEAR THEM FOLDED DOWN WITH A LITTLE FUR
SHOWING.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
APPLE VS. MICROSOFT
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, The three Microsoft employees each buy
tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft
employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats
but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind
them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw
this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple
engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a
ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll
see,"
answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The
train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RELIGIOUS BEAR
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by
a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were
unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran
and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes
were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!" The sky
darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the
hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat
confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you,
God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to
become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to
write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional
level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and
anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bowl of Chili
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her,
"What's the special of
the day?" Chili," she says, "but the
gentleman next to you got the last
bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to
fetch it. As he
waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
and the bowl
of chili remained uneaten.
Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the
chili. When he got
halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
in the bottom
of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten
back into the
bowl.
Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting
next to him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Car Accident
Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are
totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the
other
"There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we
weren't
injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to
meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of
our
lives."
The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This
must be
a sign from God."
"And look at this," continues the first man,
"It's another
miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to
celebrate our good fortune!"
He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a
few
big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the
bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on.
The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a
drink?"
"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join
us," the man
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and
asks
for the loan officer. She says she's
going to Europe on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the
bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan, so the Blonde
hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on
the street in front of
the bank Everything checks out, and the bank
agrees to accept the car
as collateral for the loan. An employee
drives the Rolls into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer
says, "We are very happy to have had
your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While
you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York
can I
park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Finally a "Smart Blonde" joke.
